Emotional Retch

Sorry, but poetry again escapes me.

Instead I am in terror. Complete and utter terror and there is no danger. My terror resided deep within my pain and hurt.

About a week ago, I thought myself whiny, that something was wrong and the swelling of anxiety and pain in my heart was unfounded worries of someone who had been hurt. But, unfortunately, I had been right. The one I fought my inner battle for has pulled themselves from the lists. I have been fighting for nothing. Now both sides, once opposing, now are stricken by the fact it was all for naught. Every struggle, thought to be for a love, that didn’t exist.

Can anyone imagine how empty that feels? I would love to hear from anyone, (if they read this) about their own struggles and their own time of being abandoned. I know I am not alone.

Something as simple as closure shouldn’t be this scary and I know some never get closure, but I have to try right?

I remember that people used to say be yourself and you‘ll be happy. But when I am myself, I get rejected and tossed aside. Luckily, my child is very much like me, so I know she and I will be fine. But everyone else, outside of family, seems not to be able to handle it and request that I be different. How else am I supposed to be and am I really that bad? I don’t steal from anyone, I try my hardest to leave people alone and stay outta stuff that doesn’t pertain to me. I don’t commit any universal evils and I try to be honest most of the time. So, besides being emotional, what is possibly wrong with me? Why am I so easy to overlook and put away?

A little look into my past:

I am FAR from being innocent in any sense of the term. There was a time in my life where I thrived on flirtations and male attention, but, I noticed something then, when I was my awkward, honest and intelligent self (intelligent by means of able to hold a conversation based on original thought and opinion on subjects pertaining to interests and personal views) no one showed interest in me. When I wouldn’t flatter or gossip or be frivolous, I was like a ghost, or those girls that everyone considers as a sister or something. I am a friend-zone veteran.

But oh! When I would act flirty, frivolous, shallow and dumb, people lined up to be my lover. And not just flings, people wanted a relationship with the empty headed version of me. Hell, someone proposed! However, as soon as I let myself come through, suddenly, they were reminded of an old love or thought things wouldn’t work out.

Do you see the dilemma? As much as it sucks being how I am, I love it because it’s me. I love the fact that even though it’s broken right now, someday soon my heart will recover. It has in the past and it will from this. However, it would heal faster if I could just find acceptance. Someone as weird as me, who can handle my emotional retching, and still have chemistry with. 

Then again, I bet a lot of people have dreams.