Numb

Confusion, panic, uncertainty

All flash

The sudden impact leaves me numb

A heaviness fills me, weighing down like lead

Loneliness consumes everything, crushing all that oppose it

There is no drive, no motivation, nothing

The weight is too much

All that musters to the surface brings tears

But no cries can escape

Flowing, silently, numbly

Movement hindered, time stands still

The only feeling is a throbbing ache of loneliness

A cavernous void of longing

I feel nothing as the tears come

Unbidden by sorrow or the pain 

Culprit

Humans have, for centuries, battled with love

It’s bittersweet touch, violating our hearts, pulling our souls into darkness

Wars have been fought, families torn apart

All in the name of this fantasy, this illusion of love

We, humans, chase it, long for it, imitate it and play it

This love

This, painful, infamous revel inside our hearts

More blissful than euphoria

Yet, more painful than being torn asunder

All forms of this contemptible emotion, cause pain

None, however worse, than unrequited love.

The sorrow, the empty longing

Pouring all you have, into a sieve,

Trusting, hoping, cherishing, trying, striving

For naught, there was no purpose, no prize

That, more painful that a gunshot, I’d rather choose torture

To give all you have, all your love, your soul, your very essence

To give it all to another, someone your heart screams for, cries for, and pines for

And yet

They take your devotion, smiles on their faces

Paying lip service to your adoration, pretending to feel the same

Using deceit, knowingly or not

They take, consuming all you offer, devouring your fealty with gusto

Then grin, laugh and smirk while they rip apart the illusion

Revealing at long last, it was all a game, all a passing amusement

Announcing to the remains of your former self, you were but a stepping stone

A bookmark to hold their time, a diversion, their brief entertainment

This, unanswered love

Will tear you apart and abandon the shreds without a second thought

Leave you feeling like nothing, believing you are nothing

While they feel nothing, no sorrow, no regret, nothing

Their howling mirth drowning out your lamentations of misery

Forever the sounds will echo, in the depths of your being

Until finally, an angel, a heaven sent protector

Releases you from the chains of agony and despair 

Crumbling

I hear it shatter all around

The echoing clashes as the world around me crumbles

Now, all is still, silent

There is no more dream, no more prize, no more goal

It never existed

The dream a farce, a joke, a great prank

Something invented to torture

Something fabricated to deceive

A mirrored curtain raises, revealing the stage

Laughter, like thunder, fills my ear

The voice, the voice that fear took

The voice that once ignited my soul with loving fire

Is now echoing evil laughter through the hollow husk I now am

Emotional Retch

Sorry, but poetry again escapes me.

Instead I am in terror. Complete and utter terror and there is no danger. My terror resided deep within my pain and hurt.

About a week ago, I thought myself whiny, that something was wrong and the swelling of anxiety and pain in my heart was unfounded worries of someone who had been hurt. But, unfortunately, I had been right. The one I fought my inner battle for has pulled themselves from the lists. I have been fighting for nothing. Now both sides, once opposing, now are stricken by the fact it was all for naught. Every struggle, thought to be for a love, that didn’t exist.

Can anyone imagine how empty that feels? I would love to hear from anyone, (if they read this) about their own struggles and their own time of being abandoned. I know I am not alone.

Something as simple as closure shouldn’t be this scary and I know some never get closure, but I have to try right?

I remember that people used to say be yourself and you‘ll be happy. But when I am myself, I get rejected and tossed aside. Luckily, my child is very much like me, so I know she and I will be fine. But everyone else, outside of family, seems not to be able to handle it and request that I be different. How else am I supposed to be and am I really that bad? I don’t steal from anyone, I try my hardest to leave people alone and stay outta stuff that doesn’t pertain to me. I don’t commit any universal evils and I try to be honest most of the time. So, besides being emotional, what is possibly wrong with me? Why am I so easy to overlook and put away?

A little look into my past:

I am FAR from being innocent in any sense of the term. There was a time in my life where I thrived on flirtations and male attention, but, I noticed something then, when I was my awkward, honest and intelligent self (intelligent by means of able to hold a conversation based on original thought and opinion on subjects pertaining to interests and personal views) no one showed interest in me. When I wouldn’t flatter or gossip or be frivolous, I was like a ghost, or those girls that everyone considers as a sister or something. I am a friend-zone veteran.

But oh! When I would act flirty, frivolous, shallow and dumb, people lined up to be my lover. And not just flings, people wanted a relationship with the empty headed version of me. Hell, someone proposed! However, as soon as I let myself come through, suddenly, they were reminded of an old love or thought things wouldn’t work out.

Do you see the dilemma? As much as it sucks being how I am, I love it because it’s me. I love the fact that even though it’s broken right now, someday soon my heart will recover. It has in the past and it will from this. However, it would heal faster if I could just find acceptance. Someone as weird as me, who can handle my emotional retching, and still have chemistry with. 

Then again, I bet a lot of people have dreams.