Anxiety Confession

Anxiety is an illness that I've finally admitted to.

Lately, I've had feelings of worthlessness and failure as I look back on what I've done so far and feel I've come up short. My only outlet is my poetry since everyone I try and speak to either lectures me or rejects or tells me that I'll get over it.

Well I know I'll get over it. I know it'll pass, but it's right now, right here, tearing me apart. Pain and torment and anger and fear. I'm not very outspoken about how I feel. In truth I  always thought this was weakness.

Maybe it is weakness to sob over familial rejection, on the glorious confirmed finding of my siblings  I obsessed over, they reject me for reasons I dont know. Family members ignore my reaching out for unexplained reasons as well.

Then again, maybe I'm over thinking....again. Anxiety is known to do that.

But if so, where do I go? I've never felt so lost.

Ah, but nothing chases out my doubt like when I focus on my daughter. She is my treasure, my reminder that even when I feel worthless and without purpose, the high calling of being her mom is my privilege.

The Dance of Darkest Anguish

Alone

Always alone

All to listen

None to hear

All of the confessions

Are also the secrets

The freedom to speak

Too craven to stand

The words unsaid

The words mistaken

Fear is absolute

Certainty is not

To please is to deny

To deny is to displeasure

Informed

Yet I am ignorant

To be myself

Is a disappointment

To live in truth

Is to live a lie

For every praise

Are a thousand jeers

Victory is defeat

I succeed

Yet find I am lacking

To protect those I care for

I hurt myself

The mask of worth

Reveals the hollowness

Wisdom yields to confusion

Joy mingles pain

The light is darkness

The strength of fire fades

Mistakes

I was a fool to hope the impossible

I was a knave to think I was wanted

Your honeyed words and subtle whispers

Your sweetness and caress

I fell hard again and faster than before

My hopes rose high

But reality crashed faster

And now again my heart lies in dust

The terrible ache screams within my chest

The tears come, but do not fall

I will not spill more tears for my folly

A fool needs not cry

But I wonder in my sorrow

If this game, this conquest, this sadistic tableau

Is how you feel like a man?

Projecting your inner pain on me

Hurting how your pain demands

Does it make you feel like a man?

To crush a this woman’s heart

One who loved you, honest and true?

Do you feel powerful and mighty

Bringing down a heart you’ve already broken

One you’ve already TORN

The alpha became a sadist

The lover now the demon

Retching with the shame of trusting you

I know it will pass

I was never more than a passing amusement

To you

But your victory will be hollow

Your conquest pointless and meager

I will not be bitter

You are not worthy of my hate

Knave though you be

Empty of care or compassion

Lonely in both mind and soul

Soon you will be reminded

Of all those you have wronged

No one hides from Karma

Missing You

Loneliness and longing

The sickness that is missing you

This empty hollow feeling

Quite and accepting

The knowing that you’re gone

Time has frozen on the memory

Keeping still inside my heart

Ill deny it to the end

I will smile and say I’m fine

But deep inside I miss you

Be it loneliness, regret

Depression or remorse

When I close my eyes

Your face is what I see

I know I should move on

I know I should start anew

But it feels fake and forced

If I step outside your memory

All the sorrow

All the tears

From wishing it were different

But there’s nothing I can change

By your side I cease to be

Never in your arms again

Phoenix Fire

A fire has been lit inside me

The curiosity brought back to life

Shadows faded into whispers

Light reveals a new dawn

Brilliance, almost blinding

Dispels the angst within

Scattering doubt amongst the wind

The emergence so sudden

Yet familiar

The peace is real

It comforts and quells the sorrow and anger

Soothes the aching pain

Hope in exalted reverie restored

Gingerly on the precipice

Balancing the new and the unknown

With the caution of experience

Infusing essence with awareness

Bringing to life welling desire

An unseen fieriness

Intangible fervor

Bursting novelty of youthful ambition

Rapture of new beginnings 

Seeing

There is something intensely liberating about finding yourself again

I think it’s the acceptance that you were once lost

The realization you somehow misplaced yourself

Like that one special piece of nostalgia that goes missing in the move

And no matter how much time and effort you put into looking for it

You just couldn’t pin point where it was, or how you lost it.

Then, randomly, one day you find it again.

You realize how lost and different things were without it.

You become overcome with joy that you found it again

Things feel normal again.

Getting to know yourself is probably the one of the most complex things we will do in life. Humans are constantly changing and influences can show even if for brief moments. We are constantly growing, no matter what age we are. One of the downfalls I see is the disconnection we can have with our inner self, the person inside. Living up to expectations or “norms” can kill that person, and then you’re left with a shell. It’s sad.

Finding yourself again, after not realizing your lost….

Falling in love with who you really are

Its blissful

Reuniting with yourself

It feels like being bathed in light

Being awake for the first time 

Seeing the world again, and feeling apart of it. 

Embarking on this newfound familiar adventure

Numb

Confusion, panic, uncertainty

All flash

The sudden impact leaves me numb

A heaviness fills me, weighing down like lead

Loneliness consumes everything, crushing all that oppose it

There is no drive, no motivation, nothing

The weight is too much

All that musters to the surface brings tears

But no cries can escape

Flowing, silently, numbly

Movement hindered, time stands still

The only feeling is a throbbing ache of loneliness

A cavernous void of longing

I feel nothing as the tears come

Unbidden by sorrow or the pain