Anxiety Confession

Anxiety is an illness that I've finally admitted to.

Lately, I've had feelings of worthlessness and failure as I look back on what I've done so far and feel I've come up short. My only outlet is my poetry since everyone I try and speak to either lectures me or rejects or tells me that I'll get over it.

Well I know I'll get over it. I know it'll pass, but it's right now, right here, tearing me apart. Pain and torment and anger and fear. I'm not very outspoken about how I feel. In truth I  always thought this was weakness.

Maybe it is weakness to sob over familial rejection, on the glorious confirmed finding of my siblings  I obsessed over, they reject me for reasons I dont know. Family members ignore my reaching out for unexplained reasons as well.

Then again, maybe I'm over thinking....again. Anxiety is known to do that.

But if so, where do I go? I've never felt so lost.

Ah, but nothing chases out my doubt like when I focus on my daughter. She is my treasure, my reminder that even when I feel worthless and without purpose, the high calling of being her mom is my privilege.

The Dance of Darkest Anguish

Alone

Always alone

All to listen

None to hear

All of the confessions

Are also the secrets

The freedom to speak

Too craven to stand

The words unsaid

The words mistaken

Fear is absolute

Certainty is not

To please is to deny

To deny is to displeasure

Informed

Yet I am ignorant

To be myself

Is a disappointment

To live in truth

Is to live a lie

For every praise

Are a thousand jeers

Victory is defeat

I succeed

Yet find I am lacking

To protect those I care for

I hurt myself

The mask of worth

Reveals the hollowness

Wisdom yields to confusion

Joy mingles pain

The light is darkness

The strength of fire fades

Mistakes

I was a fool to hope the impossible

I was a knave to think I was wanted

Your honeyed words and subtle whispers

Your sweetness and caress

I fell hard again and faster than before

My hopes rose high

But reality crashed faster

And now again my heart lies in dust

The terrible ache screams within my chest

The tears come, but do not fall

I will not spill more tears for my folly

A fool needs not cry

But I wonder in my sorrow

If this game, this conquest, this sadistic tableau

Is how you feel like a man?

Projecting your inner pain on me

Hurting how your pain demands

Does it make you feel like a man?

To crush a this woman’s heart

One who loved you, honest and true?

Do you feel powerful and mighty

Bringing down a heart you’ve already broken

One you’ve already TORN

The alpha became a sadist

The lover now the demon

Retching with the shame of trusting you

I know it will pass

I was never more than a passing amusement

To you

But your victory will be hollow

Your conquest pointless and meager

I will not be bitter

You are not worthy of my hate

Knave though you be

Empty of care or compassion

Lonely in both mind and soul

Soon you will be reminded

Of all those you have wronged

No one hides from Karma

Missing You

Loneliness and longing

The sickness that is missing you

This empty hollow feeling

Quite and accepting

The knowing that you’re gone

Time has frozen on the memory

Keeping still inside my heart

Ill deny it to the end

I will smile and say I’m fine

But deep inside I miss you

Be it loneliness, regret

Depression or remorse

When I close my eyes

Your face is what I see

I know I should move on

I know I should start anew

But it feels fake and forced

If I step outside your memory

All the sorrow

All the tears

From wishing it were different

But there’s nothing I can change

By your side I cease to be

Never in your arms again

Phoenix Fire

A fire has been lit inside me

The curiosity brought back to life

Shadows faded into whispers

Light reveals a new dawn

Brilliance, almost blinding

Dispels the angst within

Scattering doubt amongst the wind

The emergence so sudden

Yet familiar

The peace is real

It comforts and quells the sorrow and anger

Soothes the aching pain

Hope in exalted reverie restored

Gingerly on the precipice

Balancing the new and the unknown

With the caution of experience

Infusing essence with awareness

Bringing to life welling desire

An unseen fieriness

Intangible fervor

Bursting novelty of youthful ambition

Rapture of new beginnings 

Seeing

There is something intensely liberating about finding yourself again

I think it’s the acceptance that you were once lost

The realization you somehow misplaced yourself

Like that one special piece of nostalgia that goes missing in the move

And no matter how much time and effort you put into looking for it

You just couldn’t pin point where it was, or how you lost it.

Then, randomly, one day you find it again.

You realize how lost and different things were without it.

You become overcome with joy that you found it again

Things feel normal again.

Getting to know yourself is probably the one of the most complex things we will do in life. Humans are constantly changing and influences can show even if for brief moments. We are constantly growing, no matter what age we are. One of the downfalls I see is the disconnection we can have with our inner self, the person inside. Living up to expectations or “norms” can kill that person, and then you’re left with a shell. It’s sad.

Finding yourself again, after not realizing your lost….

Falling in love with who you really are

Its blissful

Reuniting with yourself

It feels like being bathed in light

Being awake for the first time 

Seeing the world again, and feeling apart of it. 

Embarking on this newfound familiar adventure

Numb

Confusion, panic, uncertainty

All flash

The sudden impact leaves me numb

A heaviness fills me, weighing down like lead

Loneliness consumes everything, crushing all that oppose it

There is no drive, no motivation, nothing

The weight is too much

All that musters to the surface brings tears

But no cries can escape

Flowing, silently, numbly

Movement hindered, time stands still

The only feeling is a throbbing ache of loneliness

A cavernous void of longing

I feel nothing as the tears come

Unbidden by sorrow or the pain 

Culprit

Humans have, for centuries, battled with love

It’s bittersweet touch, violating our hearts, pulling our souls into darkness

Wars have been fought, families torn apart

All in the name of this fantasy, this illusion of love

We, humans, chase it, long for it, imitate it and play it

This love

This, painful, infamous revel inside our hearts

More blissful than euphoria

Yet, more painful than being torn asunder

All forms of this contemptible emotion, cause pain

None, however worse, than unrequited love.

The sorrow, the empty longing

Pouring all you have, into a sieve,

Trusting, hoping, cherishing, trying, striving

For naught, there was no purpose, no prize

That, more painful that a gunshot, I’d rather choose torture

To give all you have, all your love, your soul, your very essence

To give it all to another, someone your heart screams for, cries for, and pines for

And yet

They take your devotion, smiles on their faces

Paying lip service to your adoration, pretending to feel the same

Using deceit, knowingly or not

They take, consuming all you offer, devouring your fealty with gusto

Then grin, laugh and smirk while they rip apart the illusion

Revealing at long last, it was all a game, all a passing amusement

Announcing to the remains of your former self, you were but a stepping stone

A bookmark to hold their time, a diversion, their brief entertainment

This, unanswered love

Will tear you apart and abandon the shreds without a second thought

Leave you feeling like nothing, believing you are nothing

While they feel nothing, no sorrow, no regret, nothing

Their howling mirth drowning out your lamentations of misery

Forever the sounds will echo, in the depths of your being

Until finally, an angel, a heaven sent protector

Releases you from the chains of agony and despair 

Crumbling

I hear it shatter all around

The echoing clashes as the world around me crumbles

Now, all is still, silent

There is no more dream, no more prize, no more goal

It never existed

The dream a farce, a joke, a great prank

Something invented to torture

Something fabricated to deceive

A mirrored curtain raises, revealing the stage

Laughter, like thunder, fills my ear

The voice, the voice that fear took

The voice that once ignited my soul with loving fire

Is now echoing evil laughter through the hollow husk I now am

Emotional Retch

Sorry, but poetry again escapes me.

Instead I am in terror. Complete and utter terror and there is no danger. My terror resided deep within my pain and hurt.

About a week ago, I thought myself whiny, that something was wrong and the swelling of anxiety and pain in my heart was unfounded worries of someone who had been hurt. But, unfortunately, I had been right. The one I fought my inner battle for has pulled themselves from the lists. I have been fighting for nothing. Now both sides, once opposing, now are stricken by the fact it was all for naught. Every struggle, thought to be for a love, that didn’t exist.

Can anyone imagine how empty that feels? I would love to hear from anyone, (if they read this) about their own struggles and their own time of being abandoned. I know I am not alone.

Something as simple as closure shouldn’t be this scary and I know some never get closure, but I have to try right?

I remember that people used to say be yourself and you‘ll be happy. But when I am myself, I get rejected and tossed aside. Luckily, my child is very much like me, so I know she and I will be fine. But everyone else, outside of family, seems not to be able to handle it and request that I be different. How else am I supposed to be and am I really that bad? I don’t steal from anyone, I try my hardest to leave people alone and stay outta stuff that doesn’t pertain to me. I don’t commit any universal evils and I try to be honest most of the time. So, besides being emotional, what is possibly wrong with me? Why am I so easy to overlook and put away?

A little look into my past:

I am FAR from being innocent in any sense of the term. There was a time in my life where I thrived on flirtations and male attention, but, I noticed something then, when I was my awkward, honest and intelligent self (intelligent by means of able to hold a conversation based on original thought and opinion on subjects pertaining to interests and personal views) no one showed interest in me. When I wouldn’t flatter or gossip or be frivolous, I was like a ghost, or those girls that everyone considers as a sister or something. I am a friend-zone veteran.

But oh! When I would act flirty, frivolous, shallow and dumb, people lined up to be my lover. And not just flings, people wanted a relationship with the empty headed version of me. Hell, someone proposed! However, as soon as I let myself come through, suddenly, they were reminded of an old love or thought things wouldn’t work out.

Do you see the dilemma? As much as it sucks being how I am, I love it because it’s me. I love the fact that even though it’s broken right now, someday soon my heart will recover. It has in the past and it will from this. However, it would heal faster if I could just find acceptance. Someone as weird as me, who can handle my emotional retching, and still have chemistry with. 

Then again, I bet a lot of people have dreams. 

Express

Let me take a moment to draw away from the poetry, the muses have not smiled on me as of late. I have ended up in kind of a rut.

When I was a bit younger, the poetry would flow and act as an outlet. Now that I am grown, apparently, this is seen as whiny and childish.

I’d like to express how hard it is to spell something out when you suffer from anxieties and low confidence. When your whole life, you've been told not to complain, be thankful, will your hurt away, it becomes hard to communicate reasonably in life.

Having the expectation of silence forced upon you, its suffocating. And every single time you’ve thought you’ve reached a point or person in your life you can finally “let it all out” you're shunned. It becomes embarrassing when you expose your heart, since it feels like everyone else is jaded and shallow. I know that’s not really the case, but I have yet to find someone else who will be expressive, at least to me.

Apparently being sensitive is bad? But is it really sensitive? I don't get offended easily, I don't argue about how I would be right and someone else wrong in a differing of opinions (actually had a pretty good debate on religion with a good friend, very refreshing). I don't think its sensitive to be deeply hurt when the one you love brushes aside your feelings. I think that’s pretty normal. But to others, it seems the opposite.

Which brings to question, are we not allowed feeling anymore? When did it become taboo to be hurt, and when did it become normal to punish the people who do? Has it always been this way? Am I the one who is really shallow and deluded? Why are signs of being in touch with one's emotions considered immature now? Is being an adult the same as being unfeeling? Or are we all now expected to keep it to ourselves and suffer in silence?

I don't know. I was told I am selfish for wanting confirmation from the other party. I guess that can be true, but isn't it selfish of them to deny it as well? But then again, is a little confirmation really too much to ask? I don't have a lot of confidence, and our foundation isn't all that solid. The only solidarity I know for a fact is how deeply he’s become ingrained in my being. I’ve been apart from lovers before, miles and miles apart. But its never hurt like this, like, a part of my physical body is gone.

Ah, obsessions been thrown out there as well. But, I don't obsess over them, at least not in the normal sense. I’m fine by myself, when I am single, it’s fine. I don't NEED someone in my life, believe that. But when there is someone, well, why is it so weird to want them, hurt when they are gone, and hurt even more when they don't seem to miss you either. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am proud that I do, I will not change that. I don't expect everyone to be the same. But, is a glimpse into your heart too much to ask?

I guess I am rambling by now. No one will read this, not even the person it involves. That’s why I am ok with putting this out there. 

Giving Up

The peace, overflowing, false comfort to my heart

The cold, the numb, the stone and ice

Pain, no longer dwells within me

Sweet abandon, letting go

Apart now I drift beyond my being

No more anchored to the pain and heartbreak

I feel nothing, I am nothing, nothing

I've given up, I've ceased to care

The darkness has its way

Too scared to cry, it drives me insane

Fear's Prisoner

Amongst the nothing, I lay

Numb and empty, staring into the darkness

I sense the commotion around me, I hear the clatter

Fear has one, declared the victor and reigns over my being

A strange sense of peace waves over me, followed by terror

This peace is false, this silence is deceptive

I am Fears prisoner now, waiting in my cell of apathy

What is next?

Pain appears squeezing my heart in an icy grip

Frozen I watch the love drip from it, drying, decaying before me

Despair, distraught, desolate and dying

Screams into the insanity

Erupting into an inferno of delirium, giving way to the seduction of madness

A stone weighs heavy on the abandon

An anchor unnoticed in the frenzy of failures acceptance

A tiny glow, humble, pure and frail, beats slowly

Turning, ablaze with anger and pain, stumbling toward the angelic ember

Fear shackles my movement, hindering

Bursting still, flames of hatred torch the remains of love

Dignity and worth now a pile of ash

Haggard and spent, my gaze rests on the ember

As I feel myself fading into the darkness, it looks to creep closer

In my madness I call to it, begging, laughing, screaming, crying

The ember dims

War With Fear

Bracing myself for heartbreak, I feel the sting of sorrow seeping slowly in. 

The heat and light of love slowly draining, giving in to the abysmal darkness

Panic wages war against the shreds of normalcy left within my sanity 

Anger rushes the flanks of my serenity, clashing hard against thin armor

Suspicion and doubt sneak past defenses, assassinating trust, leaving no evidence

The siege wages on, my heart will be starved out

There is no well to quench the loneliness

No provisions to sustain my weakened love

The more my mind fights with my emotions I feel it all slipping

The war between protecting love and protecting what has been left of my heart

Will I be destroyed?

When will it end?

Which side do I favor?

The dream hangs softly above the waging forces

Floating, unaware of the inner hatred and desire its existence has spawned

Hopeless, I reach for the unattainable, the salvation 

Feebly I try to fight, strength has left me

I feel the clashes, the hits, the poisons and the daggers

Closing my eyes I let the darkness take me

Silence engulfing my soul and shutting out the noise and light

Fear has declared his victory, roaring into my soul the shame of defeat