Express

Let me take a moment to draw away from the poetry, the muses have not smiled on me as of late. I have ended up in kind of a rut.

When I was a bit younger, the poetry would flow and act as an outlet. Now that I am grown, apparently, this is seen as whiny and childish.

I’d like to express how hard it is to spell something out when you suffer from anxieties and low confidence. When your whole life, you've been told not to complain, be thankful, will your hurt away, it becomes hard to communicate reasonably in life.

Having the expectation of silence forced upon you, its suffocating. And every single time you’ve thought you’ve reached a point or person in your life you can finally “let it all out” you're shunned. It becomes embarrassing when you expose your heart, since it feels like everyone else is jaded and shallow. I know that’s not really the case, but I have yet to find someone else who will be expressive, at least to me.

Apparently being sensitive is bad? But is it really sensitive? I don't get offended easily, I don't argue about how I would be right and someone else wrong in a differing of opinions (actually had a pretty good debate on religion with a good friend, very refreshing). I don't think its sensitive to be deeply hurt when the one you love brushes aside your feelings. I think that’s pretty normal. But to others, it seems the opposite.

Which brings to question, are we not allowed feeling anymore? When did it become taboo to be hurt, and when did it become normal to punish the people who do? Has it always been this way? Am I the one who is really shallow and deluded? Why are signs of being in touch with one's emotions considered immature now? Is being an adult the same as being unfeeling? Or are we all now expected to keep it to ourselves and suffer in silence?

I don't know. I was told I am selfish for wanting confirmation from the other party. I guess that can be true, but isn't it selfish of them to deny it as well? But then again, is a little confirmation really too much to ask? I don't have a lot of confidence, and our foundation isn't all that solid. The only solidarity I know for a fact is how deeply he’s become ingrained in my being. I’ve been apart from lovers before, miles and miles apart. But its never hurt like this, like, a part of my physical body is gone.

Ah, obsessions been thrown out there as well. But, I don't obsess over them, at least not in the normal sense. I’m fine by myself, when I am single, it’s fine. I don't NEED someone in my life, believe that. But when there is someone, well, why is it so weird to want them, hurt when they are gone, and hurt even more when they don't seem to miss you either. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am proud that I do, I will not change that. I don't expect everyone to be the same. But, is a glimpse into your heart too much to ask?

I guess I am rambling by now. No one will read this, not even the person it involves. That’s why I am ok with putting this out there.