Anxiety Confession

Anxiety is an illness that I've finally admitted to.

Lately, I've had feelings of worthlessness and failure as I look back on what I've done so far and feel I've come up short. My only outlet is my poetry since everyone I try and speak to either lectures me or rejects or tells me that I'll get over it.

Well I know I'll get over it. I know it'll pass, but it's right now, right here, tearing me apart. Pain and torment and anger and fear. I'm not very outspoken about how I feel. In truth I  always thought this was weakness.

Maybe it is weakness to sob over familial rejection, on the glorious confirmed finding of my siblings  I obsessed over, they reject me for reasons I dont know. Family members ignore my reaching out for unexplained reasons as well.

Then again, maybe I'm over thinking....again. Anxiety is known to do that.

But if so, where do I go? I've never felt so lost.

Ah, but nothing chases out my doubt like when I focus on my daughter. She is my treasure, my reminder that even when I feel worthless and without purpose, the high calling of being her mom is my privilege.

The Dance of Darkest Anguish

Alone

Always alone

All to listen

None to hear

All of the confessions

Are also the secrets

The freedom to speak

Too craven to stand

The words unsaid

The words mistaken

Fear is absolute

Certainty is not

To please is to deny

To deny is to displeasure

Informed

Yet I am ignorant

To be myself

Is a disappointment

To live in truth

Is to live a lie

For every praise

Are a thousand jeers

Victory is defeat

I succeed

Yet find I am lacking

To protect those I care for

I hurt myself

The mask of worth

Reveals the hollowness

Wisdom yields to confusion

Joy mingles pain

The light is darkness

The strength of fire fades