Let me take a moment to draw away from the poetry, the muses
have not smiled on me as of late. I have ended up in kind of a rut.
When I was a bit younger, the poetry would flow and act as
an outlet. Now that I am grown, apparently, this is seen as whiny and childish.
I’d like to express how hard it is to spell something out
when you suffer from anxieties and low confidence. When your whole life, you've
been told not to complain, be thankful, will your hurt away, it becomes hard to
communicate reasonably in life.
Having the expectation of silence forced upon you, its
suffocating. And every single time you’ve thought you’ve reached a point or
person in your life you can finally “let it all out” you're shunned. It becomes
embarrassing when you expose your heart, since it feels like everyone else is
jaded and shallow. I know that’s not really the case, but I have yet to find
someone else who will be expressive, at least to me.
Apparently being sensitive is bad? But is it really
sensitive? I don't get offended easily, I don't argue about how I would be
right and someone else wrong in a differing of opinions (actually had a pretty
good debate on religion with a good friend, very refreshing). I don't think its
sensitive to be deeply hurt when the one you love brushes aside your feelings.
I think that’s pretty normal. But to others, it seems the opposite.
Which brings to question, are we not allowed feeling
anymore? When did it become taboo to be hurt, and when did it become normal to
punish the people who do? Has it always been this way? Am I the one who is
really shallow and deluded? Why are signs of being in touch with one's emotions considered
immature now? Is being an adult the same as being unfeeling? Or are we all now
expected to keep it to ourselves and suffer in silence?
I don't know. I was told I am selfish for wanting
confirmation from the other party. I guess that can be true, but isn't it
selfish of them to deny it as well? But then again, is a little confirmation
really too much to ask? I don't have a lot of confidence, and our foundation
isn't all that solid. The only solidarity I know for a fact is how deeply he’s
become ingrained in my being. I’ve been apart from lovers before, miles and
miles apart. But its never hurt like this, like, a part of my physical body is
gone.
Ah, obsessions been thrown out there as well. But, I don't
obsess over them, at least not in the normal sense. I’m fine by myself, when I am single,
it’s fine. I don't NEED someone in my life, believe that. But when there is
someone, well, why is it so weird to want them, hurt when they are gone, and
hurt even more when they don't seem to miss you either. I wear my heart on my
sleeve and I am proud that I do, I will not change that. I don't expect
everyone to be the same. But, is a glimpse into your heart too much to ask?
I guess I am rambling by now. No one will read this, not
even the person it involves. That’s why I am ok with putting this out there.
